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Forums > Active Threads > General Tractor Discussions > Just For Fun Off Topic

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Joke o the day

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Murf
Join Date: Dec 1999
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2003-10-03          65453


In an effort to lighten the mood I thought I'd give this Topic exactly what it's called, "Just for fun.", so here is the first, and possibly last, joke 'o' the day.

An Amish lady is driving to town in her horse-drawn buggy and a policeman stops her.

"Don't worry ma'am you weren't doing anything wrong, I just wanted to tell you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken. You should get it fixed right away, I wouldn't want anything to happen to you out here on this busy road." says the officer.

"Thank you so much" she replies "I'll have my husband attend to it as soon as I get home."

"Oh, and I see the harness is a little tangled up there to ma'am" the officer adds "In fact it appears that one of the reins is wrapped around your horses testicles and, well ma'am, some people might take that as animal cruelty. You should get that straightened out too."

She again thanks him for pointing these problems out to her and wishes him a good day, and away she goes on her way.

Latrer when she gets home she tells her husband that a police officer stopped her to say that the reflector is broken and can he fix it for her.

"Of course dear, I'll get right to it." he replies.

"Oh" she says "he also mentioned there might be a problem with that new emergency brake you hooked up last week too."




Best of luck.

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kwschumm
Join Date: Feb 2003
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2003-10-03          65471


OUCH! That hurts just thinking about it! ROFLMAO ....

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DennisCTB
Join Date: Nov 1998
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2003-10-03          65483


Murf,

I knew you would come up with a unique idea for your new custom implements business! Yup ooouuuuucchhh!!!

Dennis ....

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AC5ZO
Join Date: Jul 2003
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2003-10-03          65492


Hey! My sister is Amish. ;-) Just kidding. ....

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Peters
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2003-10-03          65497


Well I was going to tell my favorite testicle joke but? Let's stick to vet humour.

The other day I was sitting in the veterinarians waiting room with my dog. A man came rushing though the door with a cardboard box under his arm. In the box was a dog and the agitated man began extolling the nurse to have the vet look at his dog immediately as he thought it might be dead. After much pleading the vet came out and took the box to the examination room and began the examination the lifeless dog. After checking the dog for a pulse, a breath and listening to the dog’s heart with her stethoscope the doctor announced to the man that the dog was indeed dead.

"Are you sure." the man wailed. "How can you be certain! Can you do anymore!"

The doctor turned and left the examination room and enter a back room, removed a live cat from the a cage and proceeded to the dog. She rubbed the cat up and down the dog’s lifeless body for 10 minutes.

"Yes I am sure the dog is dead sir", she replied. "You can pay the nurse $525."

"$525!!" the man screamed. " To tell me the dog is dead! It shouldn’t be any more than $25."

"Yes, $525." She replied "$25 for the examination and $500 for the Cat Scan."
....

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WillieH
Join Date: Feb 2003
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2003-10-03          65500


Murf...I believe you've opened "pandora's box"!
Keeping with the humor of our beloved animal friends...

A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered porpoises that had the potential of living forever, as long as they were fed a steady diet of seagulls.

One day, his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way home, with a full bag of seagulls, he encountered two lions asleep on the road and blocking the way. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them.

Immediately he was arrested, taken to the police station, and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

- Willie H.
....

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DRankin
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2003-10-03          65502


Willie, as a fan of double and triple entendre jokes I have to tell you that 25 years ago, they were "staid lions".

And you should know that it was a violation of the Mann Act, named for the guy who sponsored the legislation, that made it illegal to transport girls across a state line for immoral purposes. ....

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TomG
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2003-10-04          65517


Well, the spirit on one of these is along the liones of the guy who sliced bread for a living. It came from the ovens so fast that he started chopping it rather than slicing it. The ovens were still too fast so he found a longer knife where he could chop two loafs at a time. Still pressed, he found a bigger knife for three loafs but couldn't find anything larger. He finally considered himself very lucky when he found a four loaf cleaver.

Back to animals with a family story. My cousin was a vet with a small animal practice in a small city. He was a very talented surgeon and received a lot of referral work. His rates for ordinary examinations and treatment reflected his skills and he know the town talked about his high rates. Once he overheard two women muttering about his rates while in his waiting room. When finished with the examination he told the woman her dog weighed twenty-five dollars. ....

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Peters
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2003-10-04          65532


The animal of the day is now cows.

THE TALE OF TWO COWS

SOCIALISM: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.

COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes them both and provides you with milk.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes them both and sells you the milk.

NAZISM: You have two cows. The government takes them both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours it down the drain.

CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

ENRONOMICS: You have two cows. You keep them both, force them to produce the milk of four cows, then act surprised when they drop dead. ....

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AC5ZO
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2003-10-06          65699


Mr. Smith and his wife walk into a very high class party. Upon entering, a beautiful young woman comes over and greets Mr. Smith with a kiss and a long hug. Mrs. Smith looked at her husband and said, "Who was that??." Smith replied, "Well, dear, she is my mistress."

Mrs. Smith replied, "In that case, I want a divorce!" Mr. Smith replied, "Are you sure that is what you want? Look at all the benefits that you get with the membership at the Countryclub, a brand new car, a new boat, a summer place at the lake, the best schools for the kids, and you can buy just about any thing that you want, any time."

About that time, Mrs. Smith saw another beautiful young woman walk up to their neighbor, Mr. Jones and give him a big kiss and a long hug. "Who is that?" she asked. "Well dear, that is Mr. Jones' mistress."

After a few moments of reflection, Mrs. Smith says, "You know, honey, our mistress is quite a bit prettier than the Jones' mistress." ....

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Murf
Join Date: Dec 1999
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2003-10-07          65727


In keeping with the bear theme going on another thread, and to appeal to Mark love of double entendre, a bear joke:

A 'city fella' goes off into the country with his gal, finds a nice spot for a picnic and settles down for a romantic afternoon. Along comes a bear who scares the gal badly, the fella is furious that the bear spoiled his plans. He goes to his house, drops off his girl, takes his pistol and goes back to look for the bear. Sure enough, the bear is curled up sleeping on their blanket, full from eating their lunch. He sneaks up, clenches his teeth, closes his eyes and empties his gun, point blank. The smoke clears and to his surprise, there is NO bear, dead or otherwise. He goes back to his car and proceeds to put his pistol back in the trunk, as he bends into the trunk he feels a tap on his shoulder, he turns and there is the bear who says "You were trying to KILL me!!", the man denies it "No" he says "I just came up her for a little romance with my gal.". The bear says "Romance, huh, I'll teach you to try and kill me, drop your drawers and get over that trunk lid mister!".

REALLY furious the man drives back to the gun shop and buys a bigger gun, goes back to the woods and tries again, and again the bear is waiting for him at the car, "This time you were trying to kill me" the bear says, again the man denies it, and again the bear decides to teach him a lesson instead of killing him, and once again 'bends him over the car'.

REALLY, really mad now, the man again drives back to the gun shop, this time he buys a bazooka and heads back to the woods. Finding the bear picking at an old stump he lines up the bazooka and BOOM, half the hill is gone ...

The man goes back to his car, finally, satisfied he has triumphed over the bear, he starts apcking away the bazooka into the trunk.

From behind him he hears the bears voice.... "OK, now I believe you, you really are just coming up here for a little romance, now drop your drawers......." ....

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DRankin
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2003-10-07          65745


Alaska Cop Humor

The day after losing his wife in a diving accident, a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers. "We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife."

"Tell me! Did you find her?" the man cried.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worse, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."

"Oh my god!" said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion.

Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

The trooper continued. "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound king crabs and a half-dozen good size Dungeness crabs on her."

Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the great news?"

The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."
....

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Murf
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2003-10-08          65835


Two guys walk into a bar .....

The third guy sees it in time and ducks .......


ERR, um, yeah, is it time to pull that guy's wife out again yet?

Best of luck. ....

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Peters
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2003-10-11          66034


Running the gambit here is a southern animal joke (for Chief).

An Army Ranger was on holiday in the depths of Louisiana, where he tried to buy some Alligator shoes. However he was not prepared to pay the high prices, and after having failed to haggle the vendor down to a reasonable price level, ended up shouting "I don't give two hoots for your shoes,man, I'll go and kill my own croc!" To which the shopkeeper replied, "by all means, just watch out for the two Marines who were doing the same!"

So the man went out into the Bayou, and after a while saw two men with spears, standing still in the water. "They must be the two Marines," he thought.

Just at that point he noticed an alligator moving in the water towards one of them. The Marine stood completely passive, even as the gator came ever closer. Just as the beast was about to swallow the lad, the Marine struck home with his spear and wrestled the gator up onto the beach, where several already lay.

Together the two Marines threw the gator onto its back, where-upon one exclaimed "Darnn! This one doesn't have any shoes either!"
....

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DRankin
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2003-10-12          66096


I suspect we will have more notice than that when HE comes back. ....

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bnrhuffman
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2003-10-17          66419


Following that theme.
A man and his wife get pulled over for speeding. The man says "officer, I dont believe I was speeding, Ive had the cruise control set on 55 the whole time" the wife blurts out" Honey you know that cruise control hasnt worked for months". The man is obviously irritated by his wifes big mouth. So the officer notices the man isnt wearing a seatbelt. The man says that he just took it off to get his wallet when he got stopped. His wife then laughs and tells the officer that he has never worn a seatbelt as long as she can remember. Now the man is just fuming at his wife.
So as the officer is walking back up to his car to write the two tickets, he cant help but hear the man yelling and cursing at his wife. The officer walks up to the mans door and asks if there is a problem. The wife says "no, he always gets loud when hes been drinking" ....

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Chief
Join Date: Jul 2003
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2003-10-24          67037


Loved the allegator shoes joke Eric! ROTFLMAO!!!!! Good call! ;-) ....

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Peters
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2003-10-31          67648


Mood Ring

My husband, not happy with my mood swings,
bought me a mood ring the other day so he
would be able to monitor my attitude.
When I'm in a good mood it turns green.
When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.
Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.
....

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AC5ZO
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2003-10-31          67652


Sometimes I wake up GRUMPY; but most times I let her sleep. ....

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Peters
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2003-11-01          67743


A man and his pet monkey walk into a bar. The man sits down and orders a
drink, but the monkey runs around the bar, climbs on the pool table,
grabs the white cue ball, and swallows it.

The bartender sees this, and says to the monkey's owner, "You know, I
make a lot of money from that pool table, but now without the cue ball
it's useless!"

To which the monkey's owner responds, "I tell you what we'll do, I will
pay for say ... ten games, because that's about what you will make on
the pool table between now and closing time, and then tomorrow, once
nature has taken it's course, I will wash the cue ball, and bring it
back to you"

The bartender agrees to this, and the man leaves the bar with his
monkey. The next day the man and his monkey are back in the bar. The man
sits down, and the monkey sits down on the bar next to him. The monkey's
owner returns the cleaned cue ball to the bartender who accepts it and
thanks him.

The monkey, feeling a bit hungry, picks up a single peanut from the bowl
on the bar, sticks it where 'the sun don't shine' and puts it in his
mouth. The bartender sees this and says to the monkey's owner

"You know that monkey of your is really disgusting, look what he is
doing with those peanuts! I have customers who want to eat those
peanuts!"

To which the monkey's owner replies

"Yes, but my monkey doesn't eat anything anymore without measuring it
first!"
....

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Murf
Join Date: Dec 1999
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2003-11-03          67910


Seasonal joke.

Did you hear about the politician who broke his arm raking leaves?

He fell out of the tree trying to pat himself on the back for doing such a good job. ....

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Murf
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2003-11-24          69465


A sandwich walks into a bar and asks for a beer.

The bartender tells the sandwich he must leave, he's not allowed in the bar.

The sandwich states that it's against the law for the bartender to discriminate against him on the basis he's a sandwich.

The bartender politely says it's not discrimination, but he must leave.

The sandwich asks "On what grounds do I have to leave?"

To which the bartender replies "There's a sign at the door that clearly states WE DON'T SERVE FOOD. Get out."

Best of luck. ....

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Chief
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2003-11-25          69610


So........You have two cows.....

DEMOCRAT
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.

REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have down sized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts. Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in the hospital.

IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.

POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best looking cow.



CALIFORNIAN CORPORATION
You have a cow and a bull.
The bull is depressed.
It has spent its life living a lie.
It goes away for two weeks.
It comes back after a taxpayer-paid sex-change operation.
You now have two cows.
One makes milk; the other doesn't.
You try to sell the transgender cow.
Its lawyer sues you for discrimination.
You lose in court.
You sell the milk-generating cow to pay the damages.
You now have one rich, transgender, non-milk-producing cow.
You change your business to beef.
PETA pickets your farm.
Jesse Jackson makes a speech in your driveway.
Cruz Bustamante calls for higher farm taxes to help "working cows".
Hillary Clinton calls for the nationalization of 1/7 of your farm "for the children".
Gray Davis signs a law giving your farm to Mexico.
The L.A. Times quotes five anonymous cows claiming you groped their teats.
You declare bankruptcy and shut down all operations.
The cow starves to death.
The L.A. Times' analysis shows your business failure is Bush's fault.

....

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Murf
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2003-11-26          69679


Chief, you forgot one.

CANADIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Winter arrives.
You diversify into the ice cream business.
California Corporation claims unfair subsidy and imposes trade restrictions.
You sell your ice cream to Europe.


ROFLMAO.

Best of luck. ....

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RCA_TX
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2003-11-26          69686


About the Construction accident.....

Dear Sir:

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient:

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which when weighed later were found to weigh 240 lbs.

Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks.

You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope.

Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3 of the accident reporting form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence.

Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground, and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.

As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope...

More of my favorites on http://www.omegastar.com/rca/misc/humor/humor.html ....

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2003-11-26          69707


How many men does it take to open a beer?None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
----------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
---------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
----------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
-----------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-----------------------------
Why do men break wind more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
-----------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-----------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman who won't do what she's told.
-----------------------------
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
----------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake.
-----------------------------
Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
-----------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
-----------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.Then God created Man and rested.Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
----------------------------
Send this to a few good men who need a laugh and to the select few women! who can handle the truth... ....

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2003-12-05          70346


An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning
with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right), an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to
deposit.

She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000".

The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money.

The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"

The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square."

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?"

"Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square."

"Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of
money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness."

"No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again untilhe was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman
arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before.

Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president.

"Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100 sure."

The elderly woman did so with a little smile.

Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!"
....

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2003-12-12          70976


A guy was traveling through Mexico on vacation when, lo and behold, he lost his wallet and all identification.


Cutting his trip short, he attempts to make his way home but is stopped by the Customs Agent at the border.


"May I see your identification, please?" asks the agent.


"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replies the guy.


"Sure, buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no crossing the border," says the agent.


"But I can prove that I'm an American!" he exclaims.


"I have a picture of Ronald Reagan tattooed on one butt cheek and a
picture of George Bush on the other."


"This I gotta see," replies the agent.


With that, Joe drops his pants and bends over in front of the agent.


"By golly, you're right!" exclaims the agent. "Go on home to New York."


"Thanks!" he says. "But how did you know I was from New York?"


The agent replies, "I recognized the picture of Hillary Clinton in the middle.

....

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2003-12-13          71073


I like "W" and I saw this on a left leaning political board. I got a good chuckle out of it anyway. It was posted during Bush's visit to England and the title of the joke is:

THE QUEEN


While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself
with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent. "I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."


She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not
your brother or sister. Who is it?"


Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."


"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"


"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"


Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms
to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."


"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"


"Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"


Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?" Bush agrees, and Helms leaves.


Helms immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with
an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State
Department and explains his problem.


"Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"


Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you dumb cracker."


Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"



....

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2003-12-16          71405


Marketing in America explained:

You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You walk over to
him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."


That's Direct Marketing.


You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of
your friends goes up to the guy and, while pointing at you, says "That's
my friend and she's fantastic in bed."


That's Advertising.



You see a handsome guy at a party. You walk up to him, you introduce
yourself, and you get his telephone number. The next day, you call him
and say: "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."


That's Telemarketing.



You see a good looking guy at a party. You straighten your dress, you
walk over to him, and you pour him a drink. You say: "May I," as you
reach up to straighten his tie, while brushing your body lightly against
his arm. Then you say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."


That's Public Relations.



You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks over to you and says,
"I hear that you are fantastic in bed."


That's Brand Recognition.



You're at a party and you see a good looking guy. He fancies you, but
you talk him into going home with your friend.


That's a Sales Rep.



Your friend can't satisfy him, so he calls you.


That's Tech Support.



You're on your way to a party, when you realize that there could be
handsome men in all the houses that you're passing. You climb onto the
roof of one of the houses and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm
fantastic in bed."


That's Junk Mail.



You're at a party and a very well-built, muscular guy walks up to you
and gropes you.


That's Arnold Schwarzenegger.


You really like it but 20 years later your attorney decides that you
were offended.


THAT'S AMERICA.



....

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2003-12-19          71736


A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake. The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."

She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."

....

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2003-12-27          72338


Men beware Women have their thing now...


For all those men who believe that there's
no reason to buy the cow when you can get
the milk for free:

These days 80% of women are against marriage
as they have wised up to the fact that for
7 ounces of sausage it's just not worth
buying the entire pig.
....

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2004-07-14          90885


A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, husband No.1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it's going to be," she said.

"Husband No. 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

"Husband No. 3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

"Husband No. 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband No. 5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

"Husband No. 6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

"Husband No. 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

"Husband No. 8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.

"Husband No. 9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

"Husband No. 10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was..mmmmmmm ....God I miss him!!!!

But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!" said the bride. "Good," said the husband, "but, why?"

"You're a Tax Man...... This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed!"

Moral of the story, even the Tax Man is appreciated by somebody!

Best of luck.

....

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2004-07-15          90957


Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing standing up. Finkelstein eventually looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna' tell his wife?"

They draw straws. Goldberg picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet? I'm the most discreet mensch you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me."

Goldberg goes over to the Meyerwitz apartment, knocks on the door. The wife answers and asks what he wants.

Goldberg declares, "Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home."

The wife says, "Tell him to drop dead!"

"I'll go tell him," says Goldberg. ....

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2004-08-10          93189


CNN is reporting that Lance Armstrong may be stripped of his 6th Tour de France title!

In a random check for banned substances, 3 were found in Armstrong's hotel room.


The 3 substances banned by the French, that were found in his hotel room were as follows:


(1) Toothpaste
(2) Deodorant
(3) Soap


The French officials also found several other items which they had never seen before including testicle(s) and a backbone.



....

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2004-08-31          95110


In honour of our friend the Beagle-miester's presently running thread about his computer problems, here isa funny from a techie friend of mine.

A little boy asks his Father, "Daddy, where did I come from?"

The father says, "Ah, well, my son, one day you will need to find out anyway, might as well be now..." he contiunes "Your Mom and Dad got together in a chat room on MSN. Dad set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cybercafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and then your Mother downloaded from Dad's memory stick. As soon as Dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall. Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later, you, our blessed little virus appeared. That's the how it happened."

Best of luck. ....

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2004-08-31          95184


A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. "What the heck," he says to himself, "I really want a drink."

When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of your willy?"

The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink." The waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your willy. Mine, for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because 'It really Satisfies.' "

The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over.

So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?" The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX."
The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, " 'Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!'"

A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella's on his right, who happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call yours?" The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because "Quality is Job One." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"

The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY... 'Like a Rock!'" And gives a wink!

Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The
name of my willy is SECRET. Now give me a beer."

The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why Secret?"

The cowboy says, "Because it's 'STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!!!!!!!'" ....

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2004-09-01          95260


Here are some of Murphy's OTHER, less known laws;

1. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

3. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

4. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

5. Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?

6. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

7. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

8. Seen it all, done it all. Can't remember most of it.

9. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

10. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

11. He's not dead. He's electroencephalographically challenged.

12 She's always late. In fact, her ancestors arrived on the "June flower."

13. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.

14. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

15. Honk if you love peace and quiet.

16. Pardon my driving, I'm reloading.

17. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

18. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

19. It is hard to understand how a cemetery can raise its burial costs and blame it on the higher cost of living.

20. Just remember if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

21. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

22. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

23. You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

24. Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world population.

25. If the shoe fits, get an other one just like it.

26. The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

27. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking.

28. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

29. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture.

30. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

31. It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

32. Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens

33. I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

34. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

35. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

36. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
....

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2004-09-23          97079


Here's one in honour of our members who served us keeping our streets safe.....


An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the
owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the
trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away
to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5
police cars circle the car. The old Sargeant slowly
approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle
please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have
stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of
your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an
empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not
have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch
purse and hands it to the officer saying "I've never had so much as a parking ticket young man."

The officer examines the license. He looks quite
puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me
you didn't have a license, that you stole this car,
and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.


Older Woman: WHAT?? Why I'll bet the liar even told you I was speeding, too didn't he???.



....

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2004-09-23          97080


Older lady is pretty PC Murf. Can't you just call her an old woman? :)

Thanks for the joke. ....

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2004-09-27          97275


A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
Then she quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend
you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths
bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."

No more was said about the statue, not even later when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water." ....

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2004-09-27          97276


A man walks into a night club one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, Sir, that'll be 1 cent."

"One Cent?", exclaimed the man. So the man glances over at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a fried egg?"

Certainly Sir," replies the barman, "but that comes to real
money."

"How much money?" inquires the man. "4 cents," the bartender replied.

"Four Cents?", exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."

The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The bartender replied, "The same thing as I'm doing to his
business." ....

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2004-09-29          97381


A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."
"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded,! "You must be a democrat." "I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?" "Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met but, somehow, now it's my fault."
....

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2004-10-01          97451


With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.

They put his left leg in..... THEN the trouble started. ....

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2004-10-03          97570



John Kerry visits a primary school and sits in on one of the classes, which is in the middle of a discussion on words and their meaning. The teacher asks Mr. Kerry if he would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy."

So, the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy."

One little boy stands up and offers -- "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy."

"That's wrong," Kerry shouts. "That would be considered an accident."

A little girl raises her hand -- "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"You are completely incorrect" shouts the Senator. "That would be what we would consider a great loss."

The room goes silent -- no other children volunteer. Kerry searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?" Finally at the back of the room a little Ernie raises his hand.

In a quiet voice he says -- "If a plane carrying the Senator John Kerry were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaims Kerry. "You are absolutely right. "Can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well", says the boy, "because it sure as heck wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be an accident!"
....

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NHDaveD
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 71 New Hampshire
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2004-10-03          97581


AV8R - Out of the mouth of babes! ROFLMAO ....

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yooperpete
Join Date: Jan 2004
Posts: 1413 Northern Michigan
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2004-10-12          98172


Banner ads all over Michigan; "Kerry for Sportsmen" Do I need to say more! ....

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Murf
Join Date: Dec 1999
Posts: 7141 Toronto Area, Ontario, Canada
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2004-11-01          99647


Three young boys were trying to figure out whose Dad was the best and the fastest.

"My Dad is so good he can shoot an arrow, run after it, get in front of it, and catch it in his bare hands."

"My Dad is so good that he can shoot a gun, run after the bullet, get in front of it and catch it in his bare hands."

"I've got you both beat. My Dad's the best and the fastest because he works for the Government. He gets off work at 5:00 has a half-hour commute and is home by 4:30."

Hopefully his Dad is not the President.

Best of luck.
....

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kubotachick
Join Date: Mar 2004
Posts: 116 illinois/wisconsin
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2004-11-06          99953


just for reference, that work on other large mammals too...just get em in the gotcha and it will bring just about anything to a stop ....

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DennisCTB
Join Date: Nov 1998
Posts: 2644 NorthWest NJ
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2012-10-15          185180


Posted by Murf in another thread:

"Kinda reminds me of the joke about the elderly fella, good Christian, worked hard at farming his whole life, never made much money, not hardly enough to retire but too busted up and long in the tooth to keep farming. Decides to go to church every day and spends hours praying every single day, always the same thing .... "Dear Lord, I'm a good Christian down on my luck, could you find it in your Grace to send a winning lottery ticket my way?"

After months of this the old-timer stops on the steps of the church, looks up and says "Lord, why won't you give me a winning lottery ticket?"

The clouds part, a small beam of light appears shining directly on the old man and a voice from above asks "Where do you buy your lottery tickets?"

Astounded and in awe of this the man is barely able to utter "I... I...... I don't buy lottery tickets."

To which the voice from above replies "you dont buy tickets!? I don't mind 'helping' a little, but do you think you can at least work with me a little bit here?" ....

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auerbach
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 2168 West of Toronto
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2012-10-16          185191


Peters: later a cat was brought in but the vet couldn't figure the problem. So he got his retriever dog to sniff it from one end to the other, and raise its paw when it found the area of concern.
The bill was $50 for the treatment. Plus $200 for the Lab test.


From one of Murf's stories: poor guy.
Reminds me of the fellow who died from a Viagra overdose.
They couldn't get his coffin closed.

Which further reminds me they're coming out with a liquid form. For the guy who wants to come home after work and pour himself a stiff one.

Which brings us to the new Viagara antedote, chemical name noassatal.



....

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auerbach
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 2168 West of Toronto
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2012-10-16          185192


Don't mean to be testy, but in line with the original theme,

"Abdul, it's an honor to meet the world's fastest camel castrator. How do you do it?"

"Well, I take a brick in my right hand and another in my left hand. I get under the camel and swing the bricks up and together."

"My goodness! Doesn't that really hurt?"

"Yes, if I catch my thumbs." ....

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auerbach
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 2168 West of Toronto
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2012-10-17          185199


"Time for breakfast. Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"

"Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra. It's taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunch time, she suggests, "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"

"No thanks. The Viagra trashes my desire for food."

Come dinner time, "Would you like a steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Maybe a rotisserie chicken?"

"No," it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."

"Well, would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."







....

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DennisCTB
Join Date: Nov 1998
Posts: 2644 NorthWest NJ
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2013-01-24          186038


This one is from the daughters college orientation.

A business manager is looking for a administrative assistant and puts a poster in the window of his office. He lists the three job requirements on the poster. First the applicant must be able to type more than 90 words per minute, second they must be able to write programs, third they must be bi lingual.

Several weeks go by and he gets no applicants that meet the requirements.

Then one day a large dog of undetermined breed comes through the entrance, picks up the sign and walks up to the hiring manager's desk.

The manager says to the dog are you applying for the job?

The dog says woof! and then goes over and starts typing with his paws and nose 160 wpm. The manager asks him if he can program, the dog says woof! Pulls a USB flash drive from his collar plugs it in and programs some slick Excel macros for an inventory control system. The manager is very impressed but knows he will fail the third requirement. So he asks are you bilingual? The dog replies http://www.catchannel.com/ringtones/cats_meow.mp3 ....

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toolate
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 27
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2020-04-10          199048


Husband gets up from bed in the morning goes out to the kitchen grabs a beer and newspaper and plops down on the couch.

The wife says well its about time you got up. And another thing whats up with coming home at 4AM ???

To which he replies " WELL THERE WAS NO WHERE ELSE TO GO !!!!! ....

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Murf
Join Date: Dec 1999
Posts: 7141 Toronto Area, Ontario, Canada
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2020-04-13          199067


COVID-19 Joke.

A guy runs into a bank sweating profusely and wearing a face-mask and everyone in the line up gasps and fears the worst.

The guy pulls out a gun and says "This is a hold up, nobody move!!".

Everybody heaves a huge sigh of relief, he's not sick after all!!!



Best of luck. ....

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DennisCTB
Join Date: Nov 1998
Posts: 2644 NorthWest NJ
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2020-04-14          199072


My Dad loved this joke and we often used the catch phrase when we spoke.

Bob goes on vacation. He asks his brother to take care of his cat. After a few days on vacation, Bob calls to say hi. The brother blurts out “Your cat is dead.”

Bob is beside himself with grief. And he chastises his brother for breaking the news to him in such an abrupt manner. The brother asks how he could have done it better.

Bob explains “Well, for example, you could have told me the cat was on the roof. The next time we talked, you could say the Fire Department is trying to get him down. The next time, you could say the cat fell during the rescue and was in the veterinarian hospital. The next time I called, you could say the cat succumbed to his injuries and passed away. That way I would be prepared for the bad news.”

The brother says he understands. Then he adds, “Oh, by the way. Mom is on the roof.” ....

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haasya5
Join Date: Jul 2020
Posts: 4
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2020-07-19          199500


Heloooo everyone, your jokes made me laugh through out day, thank you. ....

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joyce1
Join Date: May 2004
Posts: 33
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2020-07-19          199502


A man was driving down the road when a policeman stopped him. The officer looked in the back of the man’s truck and said, Why are these penguins in your truck?

The man replied, These are my penguins. They belong to me

You need to take them to the zoo, the policeman said.

The next day, the officer saw the same guy driving down the road. He pulled him over again. He saw the penguins were still in the truck, but they were wearing sunglasses this time. I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo! the officer said.

I did, the man replied. And today I’m taking them to the beach. ....

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chuckles
Join Date: Jul 2003
Posts: 77 Eastern PA
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2020-07-20          199508


What's the cannibals favorite game?









Swallow the leader !


....

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