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 | moosefishing
Join Date: Jul 2003 Posts: 54 weatherford texas 
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2004-01-10 73604
Senator Clinton made an apperance and short speach at an elementry school. She talked about "it takes a village" and other stuff. After her presentation, she asked if there were any questions. A smilling little boy in the back of the room politely raised his hand..The Senator pointed to him
My name is Bobby and I have 3 questions please
1. What happened to your national health care plan?
2. What happened to all the stuff you took from the White House?
3. Why would you want to become President after your husband shamed the office?
Just then the recess bell rang, The Senator promissed that they would continue after recess....
After recess the Senator asked if anyone had any questions.
A differant little boy with a very serious look on his face raised his hand. Mrs. Clinton pointed to him, and the young man responds;
"My name is Charles, and I have 5 questions for you.
1. What happened to your National Health Care Plan?
2. What happened to all the stuff you took from the White House?
3. Do you really want to be the President after what your husband did?
4. Why was recess 20 minutes early?
5. What happened to Bobby?
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 | Art White
Join Date: Jan 2000 Posts: 6898 Waterville New York 
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2004-01-11 73749
From the mouths of babes! I love those kids. ....
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 | kwschumm
Join Date: Feb 2003 Posts: 5764 NW Oregon
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2005-05-04 110695
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet God and, because of the grief they have experienced, he decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.
They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.
The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off. Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.
The guy eventually calms down and says: "Make'em all ugly again".
NEXT TIME YOU'RE LAST IN LINE -- CONSIDER YOURSELF BLESSED ....
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 | AV8R
Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 882 North Central Wisconsin 
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2005-05-04 110698
(lifted from another site)
Engineers' Conversion Tables
1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong
7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Sterling
8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon
9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
11 Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line
12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone
14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle
16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds
17. 52 cards = 1 decacards
18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton
19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen
20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
22. 10 rations = 1 decoration
23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration
24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram
25. 4 nickels = 1 paradigms
26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League
27. 100 Senators = Not 1 decision
....
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| kwschumm
Join Date: Feb 2003 Posts: 5764 NW Oregon
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2005-05-05 110716
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company. One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that she's lost. Wandering about, she notices a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
"Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard.
So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says:
"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"
Moral of this story.. Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience! ....
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| kwschumm
Join Date: Feb 2003 Posts: 5764 NW Oregon
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2005-06-02 111859
Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and, realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say Mass for him that day.
As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!
At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"
The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."
Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!
St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"
The Lord smiled and replied, "Think about it. Who's he going to tell?"
....
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 | Iowafun
Join Date: Jul 2004 Posts: 955 Central Iowa
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2005-06-23 112673
The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.
Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate.
After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.
A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.
Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.
A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, "Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?"
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew...
"They won't let me fart." ....
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 | shortmagnum
Join Date: Nov 2003 Posts: 848 Wisconsin
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2005-08-05 114410
With the recent bombings in London the french have increased their terror alert from 1.RUN to 2.HIDE
The only other higher alerts are:
3.SURRENDER
and
4.COLLABORATE ....
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| AV8R
Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 882 North Central Wisconsin
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2005-08-05 114430
Not a joke, but worth a smile.
A man was going for a stroll with his beloved dog, down a country road, when all of a sudden a truck comes barreling over the hill and hits them both killing them instantly.
The man comes too, still walking his dog. The weather is beautiful, the birds are singing, there is a nice breeze blowing and he thinks, "This MUST be heaven!" They continue to walk along for quite a while. The weather becomes warmer, the man looks down at his panting dog looking up at him and he thinks how good a drink of cool water would be.
Shortly, they come upon an old may sitting by a gate under a large shady tree. Behind the old man, he notices a well. He asks the old man "Is this heaven?" The old man says "Yes, it is. Come on in and have a drink from the well, the water is very cool and refreshing!" The man thinks great, I'll get a refreshing drink for me and my best buddy. The old man stops him going through the gate and says "Your dog will have to wait out side. There are no dogs allowed inside." Slightly annoyed, the man declines the invitation and continues on his way.
A short bit further up the road is another old man sitting at a gate under a shade tree with a well behind him. He asks the old man "Is this heaven?" The old man replies, "Yes, it is. Come on in and have a drink from the well, the water is very cool and refreshing." The man asks "Can my dog have a drink, too?" "Of course!" says the old man "There is a dish next to the well he can use." The man goes to the well and draws a drink for his friend and a long refreshing drink for himself. He returns to the old man at the gate and says, "There is another gate up the lane, the man there said that was heaven, too. But, he wouldn't let me bring in my friend. What is that place?"
"That, my son, is hell." says the old man. "It is a test to see if you would leave behind your best friend." He goes on, "By continuing on the road, unrefreshed, beside your friend a little further, your loyalty has earned you and your dog place here, with me, in paradise."
Moral: Truly standing by your friends will make your rewards great. ....
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| kwschumm
Join Date: Feb 2003 Posts: 5764 NW Oregon
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2005-08-16 114956
The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are this year's {2005} winner:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
12. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
13. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
14. Glibido: All talk and no action.
15. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
16. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
17. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
18. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating. ....
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