Go BottomKids and first loves
 | brokenarrow
Join Date: Jan 2004 Posts: 1288 Wisconsin 
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2005-03-01 107096
I want to start this by saying that everything I am about to say is real, names may be changed to protect the young.
Mr Crunch LOL
My son turns legal in Early June (18). Just 3 months ago he was saying that ALL woman were evil LOL. He got his first girl friend only a week later (we remind him of this saying almost weekly). Now he dont want me to move because he wont have a convienent place to come to (besides his aunts or my moms) to see her after he goes off to college 300 miles away. I know what you are going thru with your kids first love!. We just had a strong talk about his times that he can be out till. Although he is almost 18 I still demand that he be home by 11 on weekends. That just changed to 10pm this week. LOL If he pushes me it will be 9pm. Told him I can take the license and everything he owns away if he dont want to obey me. To my suprise he agreed. He came home at 10:15 on Sunday night (15 min late) and that was the last straw. School nights it is now 5pm!!!!! (I told him that girls will get him doing things he never would normally do) He is in honors calculus and honors AP everything else. LOL He needs to stick to the books and he knows it but that damm testostrone is telling him different.
Here is the jist of last Sundays conversation with him. As the spring starts warming up, you will!!! be out of her neighborhood by sun down! He dont like it but knows what I am talking about. I will allow him to drop her off after sundown but only on rare occasions. (You think you have problems with your sons new girlfriend? My friend, I think we may have a competition who has more problems LOL> My sons chicky chicky happens to live in a ghetto. I dont blame her or her mother, her mom is divorced and cant work cause of a disability so she bought a house where she could, her daughter is a very good girl. Not the worst one in town (the ghetto) but the second worse area. She happens to live next to a schools basket ball court! Not to prejudge the folk that live near this school, but its a fact that basketball courts, warm summer nights, and a ghetto is a call for serious serious trouble for a 117 pound 5'4" white boy. This scares the hell out of me. In this day and age and in this town I am talkin about you just dont go to some nieghborhoods if your caucasion, that is fact and not a rip on anyone or any place but just a fact. He needs to understand this. The schools teach a fantasy world and it is far from reality. Drug wars, gangs, and people who are NOT from the hood get hurt here and many times die. I am terrified of this (my dad was a narcotics detective in this town) I know what really goes on here. Luckily he does too (my son) because he believes me. trouble is he thinks because his car is running that he is safe. Its the "what if" that scares me. My son grew up in all pretty good neighborhoods, we moved out to the county when he was in 4th grade to escape the crap in the city. What do you do???
Fact is that if he breaks down in this hood he is in serious trouble. This is reality not some tv show. Every COP will tell you this. I hope I did not offend anyone here but the reality is what I said, this neighborhood is nothing to fool around in.
SO what do I do as a responsible parent? I hope and prey that when he gets to college (or sooner) some bombshell takes him under her wings and (well we will leave it at that) LOL. I know and so do all us adults that this first love will pass. He does not?
Do I lay the law down and tell him that he can not be in this area after dark? The sooner I move the better. I could always pay some nice looking girl to date him? LOL This would be hard though because his girlfriend is pretty nice looking and actually has a head on her shoulders. Thats hard to find in a guy or a girl.
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 | ncrunch32
Join Date: Dec 2003 Posts: 762 Kingston, NY 
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2005-03-01 107102
Brokenarrow - yes my son has 90+ average and accepted at college. But blinded by love, and always kids want to believe that somehow you have harmed them. My son has a computer, car, and sleeps till 1-2PM every weekend. We haven't bought him a cell phone and for that he is angry. He is angry because my wife monitors him. We are making him work and save money for college and for that he is angry. He backed up into his friends car and we are making him pay $1500 and for that he is angry. Today I shovelled out my house, and my mothers while he slept till 1PM.
Tomorrow he is celebrating his 18th birthday at his girl's house rather than staying home with his folks. Oh well, the other day I told him if he can't treat his parents with respect then he better start considering alternatives that don't require my support.
In retrospect I am not sure that I am the best person to be a parent. I try to not get upset over little things, but I end up exploding when I have heard enough. My father was much better at this, he immediately said what was on his mind and we all knew the rules.
On the other hand, sometimes I chalk it up to the times. It seems that kids nowadays listen to these TV shows and actually think it is their right to challenge their parents and get in their face. Many parents reinforce this behavior. It is a much more difficult climate in which to raise your kids.
....
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 | grinder
Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 677 central Maine 
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2005-03-02 107112
You shoveled your snow and your mother's while he slept?
Are you shitting me?
HELLO! My seven year old does the walkway without being asked, and has several full piggy banks,and thinks about it before she spends.
He will never leave home. If he does, it will be close by
so you can come over and shovel him out too.
Sorry but I can't stand lazy ass 18 yr. old babies. I left
home when I was 18. I rented a year round camp on the lake,had a
pick-up, a car ,and a motocycle. They weren't new, But they were mine.
I can't find a kid to work, I have had several,12-15 bucks an hour.
They last about a week,and they usually call in at least once that week.
Or have the mother call! And make some lame excuse for them. It is unbelievable.
Now we don't bother anymore, pretty sad really. I hear it everywhere I go.
End of Rant. ....
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 | StephenR
Join Date: Feb 2002 Posts: 230 New Tripoli, Pa. 
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2005-03-02 107129
I still have several years before I start worrying about this stuff. Tough position for both of you, but grinder this behavior is right on par with the democrat philosophy. (Just kidding, kinda) ....
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| paulss
Join Date: Nov 2003 Posts: 60 Lavaca County, TX
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2005-03-02 107132
Unless the colege 300 miles away is an all male school with no women within 150 miles, I'd expect his "romance" will last a maximum of 2 months after he gets to college. There are way too many college cuties and parties for it to survive, especially if it's his first one and it hasn't been going on long.
If (and it's a BIG if) it is true love, then having a "convenient" place to stay when he comes to visit will have absolutely no impact on it.
Good Luck !!! ....
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 | Murf
Join Date: Dec 1999 Posts: 7249 Toronto Area, Ontario, Canada 
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2005-03-02 107133
As the old saying goes, at 18 kids can't believe how stupid their folks are...
By the time they reach 23 and graduate university they can't believe how much their folks have leaned in just 5 years....
I was broiught up under the old "it's my roof, it's my rules" system. If you don't want to live under my rules, you don't want to live under my roof either. Lay down the law.
If he doesn't want to listen, point out that you may sound like a drill sargeant, but if he WAS in the serivces, he would be in the brig for disobeying an order.
It's never to early to learn respect for authority or the rules.
Best of luck. ....
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 | beagle
Join Date: Jan 2004 Posts: 1333 Michigan
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2005-03-02 107135
We've raised (almost) two boys, both honor students. One now in college, the other will be a freshman next year. I have used the philosophy with them that growing up is all about learning how to make good decisions. Life has one gear, and no reverse. You will live with the consequences of every decision you make, big or small, good or bad.
We spent a tremendous amount of time with our kids, and had a lot of family activities that had us doing things together as a family. They experienced life through the wife and I, and were noted when to pay attention to what what happening around them. Kids are sponges, they absorb their suroundings. Thier opnions and attitudes are a product of their environment and their own God given personallity.
As two young adults, they need to make their own decisions. We guide them and offer a forum for their issues. We cannot supervise their every move, or smother them with forced dicipline. Life has a way of applying discipline when necessary. They will both be living on their own next year, they better have learned by them how to make good dicisions. They'll find out when they don't.
They have made good decisions and bad decisions in the past. The consequences of both have formed two exceptional young men. Without the ability to experience, they will have none to work with.
Oh ya, they have a wonderful mother. ....
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 | AnnBrush
Join Date: Mar 2004 Posts: 463 Troy OH
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2005-03-02 107137
There will be as many different opinions on this as there are people none will be completely suitable but that's what parenting is all about. My two kids are far to young for this to be of any applicability to them yet. Parents do what they will and set certain rules, mine did. We had our fights but in the end there was give and take on both sides. My observations in general are that respect for rules needs to be earned. I happen to disagree with your approach but that's irrelevant, I am not the parent, and I dont have to deal with your problem. Here are some thoughts: As his life changes you may consider changing your rules to accomodate the changes he is facing. First love is a really big deal (but only to him) made even more frustrating by parents who know that first love is often first lust and first forgotten. You seem to be dismissive of his feelings for this girl (references to chicky chicky) and that indicates to me that you may set rules without understanding his resolve on certain issues. Right now it looks to me that from your perspective this is more about the location of her residence than the fact that he is with her. If this is so you may be able to solve the conflict by splitting the two issues (girlfriend vs. location). You could offer to have her over at your place for the weekend etc, that way he gets to be with her and you get him out of her neibourhood. I also tend to think that your son may tire of his new grilfriend fairly quickly, she is obviously in a different socio-economic class to your family and that will make a teenage romance already difficult more so. BTW on curfews my folks did the following, they set a curfew and had an hour grey area, IOW if curfew was at 10pm, arrival home at any time within 10 to 11 was OK. Of course as kids we never knew that the grey area existed so tended to get home by 10:20 or so without cause for a fight. In the end both parents and kids got what they wanted. My folks got the kids home by 11 and we got to be out and not have to live by the absolute line of a deadline (even if we did try and meet it but through some extenuating circumstances missed 10pm exactly). Few things in life are absolute anyway. We only found out about the grey area years later when we were all married and had kids of our own, it was quite a funny when the folks revealed it to us and we reminisced over all the time we crapped ourselves that we would get into trouble because we got home at 10:34 or something. ....
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 | DennisCTB
Join Date: Nov 1998 Posts: 2707 NorthWest NJ
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2005-03-02 107139
When I was your sons age, yes they still had cars then ;-)
Well I hate to tell you the insane, and deadly things I did to get a girl home by curfew, 90 - 100+ mph, passing on the shoulder, double lines.....you name it.
It is good to have a curfew, but they should know that having them home and safe is the main thing. ....
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| brokenarrow
Join Date: Jan 2004 Posts: 1288 Wisconsin
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2005-03-02 107146
Ann
Sorry about that comment, I actually thought of you when typing it, figured you would (or may ) say reference to that. No thats not my attitude infront of him but we all know what I mean. She is a cutie but as others have said she will more than likely be a memory soon. I am not a fool either and have schooled him on safe sex. I even bought him protection to have (just in case). I am not encouraging it. I am not ignorant either. A 17 yr old with out protection will more than likely risk it. The talks I had with him were more like the talks I would have with a 25 yr old. No game playing and I was straight up with him.
nCrunch32
Sounds like you have your hands full. My youngest child soon to be 15 will walk in his footsteps I think. She is very opinionated and has a strong dislike for rules. We are on her like stink on!!!! Everyday. Wonder what the heck is going on sometimes (and who her father is) the other two are not like her and were raised the same way! LOL My middle daughter is a cant do anything wrong girl. Model student, never does anything she shouldnt. respectful etc. The son is also and cant complain about him. I am lucky. Yes it is more the neighborhood I am worried about. I actually like her. She is doing a darn good job in school and has not used the lame excuse about her hood and being depresed. She goes to the same school that my other kids go to and achieves well, not great but well.
The oldest (son) has held a job now since last year and has saved $4,400 in an acount. he realizes now how expensive driving is since he just paid his second 6 month premium!
Ahhh I remember my "first love" And now that I am a parent it scares the hell out of me. Dont do as I done do as I tell you!!!!
(right! LOL) ....
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| metastable
Join Date: Apr 2004 Posts: 78 North Plains, OR
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2005-03-02 107147
Parenting is about giving your kids the tools to deal with life, not dictating or imposing your life on them. The more stringent you are, the more they rebel when they taste freedom (trust me, that's what I did). If your kid doesn't have common sense and life-skills by the time he/she is 17, then it's probably too late. ....
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| grinder
Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 677 central Maine
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2005-03-02 107149
Dem,Rep. Ind. There doesn't seem to be any shortage.
I see them from all walks of life. My friend managers a lumber yard with 250 employee's, He can't find anyone under
30 that will last two weeks. ....
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| taheide
Join Date: Oct 2004 Posts: 127 Capron IL
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2005-03-02 107153
I feel your pain! I have a new 10YO Step son who spent all his life around an aunt, grandmother and his mother, so he had plenty of ladies to run to if he didnt get his way. Now that his mom and I are together in our own place, he is starting to learn he can no longer get away with things he was so used to before. He is learning there is no free meals in life, and when he tries to deny it( IOW whines about clearing the table) he winds up losing TV privilages. It is so much harder these days disciplining children because just about anything you do can be considered child abuse! For example, if I mouthed off to my mother I was gauranteed a crack across the face, do that today and you go to jail. Same with spanking, or locking them in the bathroom for an hour to think about what they did wrong. How are children supposed to learn right from wrong when you have no tools to teach them with? Timeouts are a farce, sending to their room is a vacation with all the video games and such. By the time they reach their teens and they havent learned good discipline, its too late, they will play it against you every chance they get. One thing that is working is taking away his video games, so far that seems to do the trick, but one side effect I am seeing of video games is the kid is lost in space most of the time, its like the lights are on, but no ones home, and he is a smart kid, starting to get all A's in his class now that he is settled into his new school. He is also very lazy and I am at a loss as to how to get him off his growing fat ass and get some excersize. I dont want to be the mean step father, but if I dont do it now, no one else will and that is not going to be good for him in the future. I know he is beginning to learn that I dont coddle him like he has been used to with his aunt and grandmother, and he cannot get away with things he could before, and his mother is starting to understand these things too, she always felt bad when she had to punish him and would refrain from doing so, and is starting to realize that had ill effects now. We all feel bad about punishing, but it must be done, otherwise society will become nothing more than rampant chaos, the children will rule the adults!
When I grew up, if I wanted a car I had to pay for it, and if I wanted to drive it, I had to be able to afford insurance, until then I did not drive. What my parents taught me was to be responsible for my actions, and that is one lesson I learned quite well, its a lesson many people these days do not learn or care about, its always someone elses fault. Im fat, blame it on mcdonalds, I spilled my coffe on me and burned myself, its mcdonalds fault, My uncle got hit by a train, blame the train company, etc.
What you are doing is fair, you are trying to teach him some responsibilities, but you also need to realize that you are now his enemy, trying to get in between him and his honey. You will need to set a compromise between the two of you, open a dialog, come to terms with the fact that he is grown up and will be moving on soon. I grew up in Chicago, got beat up by Ricans, been shot at, still have the scar, been around drugs, and gangs, and learned to survive in that environment without getting involved in it. Most kids these days who dont live in the cities lead a sheltered life and think they are indestructible, and in reality dont have a clue what its like in the rough neighborhoods, dont know what its like to have to walk everywhere to get somewhere, to scrap the bottom of the barrel to get anything, they have it all given to them and dont know how to appreciate it. Come to terms with him, and talk to him like an adult, hie is one now, but doenst realize the burden of being an adult yet, after all he is old enough to die for our freedoms, but not old enough to drink, and once he learns that lesson, he will more than likely understand your reasoning, giving him stricter and stricter curfews will only lead to getting between him and you and that will not be good.
Good luck. ....
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